A one hour iPhone 5 review
Friday, September 21, 2012 at 12:46PM The iPhone 5 has been reviewed by just about every major media outlet in the last few days and they have, to a man, been effusive in their praise. It's a palpable hit with most reviewers now disavowing the collective media yawn that greeted Apple's muted launch. According to the press, the iPhone 5 is beautiful and fast with an improved camera and vibrant screen.
With that all said and done, balance is required. I've owned the iPhone 5 for exactly one hour, which is more than enough time to conduct a thorough evaluation, so why don't we mull over what's wrong with this execrable pile of junk?
It's too light
"Simplicate - then add lightness". So said Colin Chapman, founder of Lotus. But he was talking about an engineering philosophy for cars. That reassuring, expensive heft has gone from the iPhone. Expensive phones should be heavy. They should have added some lead in or made the back from stainless steel or rock or something. Also, don't trust anyone who uses the word "simplicate".
It's too tall
Apple has used the golden ratio (1.61) in some previous product design work. This magical geometry is seen repeatedly in nature and we humans find designs that adhere to it pleasing to the eye. The dimensions of the iPhone 4S are closer to the Golden Ratio than the iPhone 5, which makes the old phone look prettier and better proportioned than the new phone. Jony Ive must have been crying into his half-fat, decaff latte as he penned the lines of this fugly monstrosity.
It's a fingerprint magnet
Just by leaving it around, Scotland Yard could catch thieves because every touch to to the aluminium backplate leaves a perfectly legible print. If you occasionally check your partner's texts when they're not in the room, then stop. Because with the iPhone 5, they'll know instantly that it was you. Or file off your prints with sandpaper.
That black metal band won't last
Who are they kidding? The black edge of the iPhone 5 is only skin deep and is likely to get fatally tarnished before iOS 6.01 is ready for download. Within a month it'll look more distressed than vintage Levis.
The design is nicked
Jony Ive is the third-greatest thief of all time, just behind Robin Hood and Jimmy Page and just ahead of Ronnie Biggs. Stanley Kubrick would sue, were he alive, as the iPhone 5 looks uncannily like the mysterious alien monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey". Apple even steals Kubrick's camera angles for the box photography. And Dieter Ram must be miffed, too - Ive is recycling his classic Braun designs one by one. If history repeats iself, Apple's sole product by 2025 will be this.
The new maps are rubbish
Apple has obviously taken the whole "Thermonuclear" feud thing with Google to heart, because even the rural Scottish idyll I am writing this from appears to be a ruined, post-apocalyptic desert wasteland when viewed on the new maps app. Yet, Google Maps accurately show rolling hills and pastures. You actually have to go 10 miles South to Kirkcaldy to see what the aftermath of a global nuclear war would look like, replete with mutated, dead-eyed, dribbling zombie hordes stalking a ruined, radioactive ghost town.
Apple's maps "upgrade" has essentially excised great maps functionality and replaced it with mediocre functionality. The iPhone couldn't find its way out of a paper bag, now, and swishy flyovers are no match for Google Streetview unless you are an Al Qaeda operative scouting for targets.
Summary
So, now that we've established that the iPhone 5 is total rubbish, you shouldn't buy one, right? Wrong. Despite all of the above, it's a magnificent device. Take all your money - all of it, now - down to your local Apple store and camp outside for as long as it takes to get your greasy little mitts all over this, then spend most of the rest year secretly caressing it in your pocket. You won't regret it. I would like to unreservedly apologise to the people of Kirkcaldy.
Peter M.
All News
Reader Comments (16)
Fantastically well written – great piece, Peter.
Still not buying one.
6 hours
Opening the box and taking out the iPhone 5, laying it next to the Samsung S3. Verdict. The S3 looks like a cheap knockoff. That's how stunning the 5 is along with its finish.
Turning on. Screen looks gorgeous. Looking at the 5 from all angles is wonderfully.
Loaded my apps, music, videos and anything else via iTunes. All nearly organised on phone. Sweet.
Maps. Lol. Anyway tried 2 turn by turn journeys. First was excellent. Apple's implementation is superb, easier to follow than Google's. But Maps is limited in data. Next year it might be ok.
Everything else being iOS 6 just looks and works fine. No surprises. Earpods actually in my ears were incredibly good. Tuned for me. I personally wouldn't change these for another in ear version.
Signal and calls. Stronger signal than my S3. Crystal clear voices. Niggles. New tweets received don't have the option for custom sound. Get horrible sound.
So far the 5 has proven to be a wonderful piece of kit. It looks a million dollars. It performs with speed. Does everything on the box very well except maps.
So question now is do I sell the S3 which is a better spec phone or return the 5. I'm selling the S3, no question about that one.
I like the monolith idea. Samsung's next ad will have a giant iPhone 5 sticking out of the ground with Apple customers scampering around it, picking up a bone, trying to use the bone as a stylus and then throwing it away in disgust when it doesn't work.
Peter I'm guessing you watch a lot of Top Gear? If they start off praising a car they always end up dissing it, and vice versa. Would you prefer to be Clarkson or May? Sorry, you can't be Hammond; that's Gavin ;o)
Actually Shaun's Clarkson, so you'll have to be May. Kinda fitting; he has no sense of direction and you've just got the new iOS maps app ;o)
Forgot to mention the camera. Really impressive quality. Did a photo in very dim light. Looked good. Panoramic photos are crazy quality.
Whilst Apple is selling loads of 5's, I'm not sure if they are really selling more as such. My delivery courier said he only had 23 boxes, and that he had expected a lot more based on previous times. So either more people are buying using a contract which makes sense, as a lot of carriers all had decent stock.
Or, because Apple is selling through a wider distribution channel in more countries as well, this inflates the sales, but if you were to proportionately look at the sales from the last launch region by region, I reckon the actual figure is lower.
Apple Exeter didn't have an insane queue, so wouldn't surprise me if stock left.
Either way, the coordination and delivery on time is very impressive and with such huge volumes.
I'm definitely James May, Bug, if I have to choose.
Yes - the pictures look better to me, Gavin, which I didn't expect. Could you please do a lovely, full-size panorama of Dartmoor, for us? Your previous picture was very nice.
What I like is the clear evolution of form from each generation of the iPhone. It's quite clever how much the design has changed, yet each is instantly recognisable as an iPhone. I heard someone compare the design evolution to the approach Porsche take with the 911, and it's not a bad analogy.
I haven't actually got a sim card, yet, so can't test the call quality but the 4S wasn't bad. I don't do Tweets or Facebook.
Peter , I posted on twitter but it got compressed. Uploaded to Flickr link http://www.flickr.com/photos/gavinfabl100/8009098837/in/photostream
Light was dim, and taken in a rush but quality is superb.
Thank you, Gavin. I can't see the seam.
What's more impressive is how quickly I rushed to take that photo, yet it still looks seamless.
Well done Apple. The entire World thank you for this.
@Gavin
Are all those other people in your photo all up there taking photos with their new iPhone 5's?
Generally interested in everyone's reviews of the 5. Can't say I have any burning desire to rush out and buy one to replace my iPhone 4 (no S).
Still undecided whether to a) upgrade at all, b) get a "5" or c) go with a cheap knockoff SIII
Simon, the other people just were gazing at Dartmoor.
The S3 is considerable better. A very slick powerful device, that is future proofed for years and years. Samsung's tweaks on ICS and their extra software are fantastic. Imaging having the S3 on a tripod and then saying smile. It takes the picture, no button pressed. It's got so much more, like a fm radio etc..
I had the 4, and the 4S. I would say that the difference from the 4 to the 5 is camera, earpods, speed, sound quality, better Siri and all the iOS 6 features, the 4S and 5 have better signal reception. The 5 is a lot stronger if dropped, that is it won't break easily as shown tonight on some drop tests.
So why am I selling my 4 month old Samsung S3. It doesn't look as good. It fits better with my mac, iPad and Apple TV. And I got bored.
I'm like Gavin, I guess. What's missing about the others (and SIII in particular) is the looks. Marketing tells us that people buy cereals for the breakfast by looking at the packages in first place. Apple makes the same. They create a fantastic look and that alone attracts people. I'm in the design field and I'm the first to say I would rather buy a fantastic looking average device than a high performance, yet not as good looking one.
And like Gavin says, it goes along just great with the rest of the furniture.
Now... if SIII is really really better? No doubt about it - yes. But the eyes look the other way...
Hey, just look at that box! simple, plain, beautiful. I keep saying: when Samsung releases a great looking non-plastic phone, then yes, they will sell like hot potatoes. Until then it's iPhone time!!
... and then there's the silly thing: you need to cover all this beauty with a case and I can tell you... I've seen some very ugly iphones!
The real hit will be when someone manages to make a phone/tablet where the screen reaches the edge of the device and you get the sensation of all that display area. They can even shrink the device and give the impression of a greater screen area - I bet Apple is trying that already!
Okay so gadget lust is not so immense at the moment, and reality kicks in. I sit tormented with 2 of the worlds best phones. iCloud sync across all my devices is really neat. Integration into my apple Eco system is marvellous. Photostream sharing is great. Took 3 superb dog photos earlier, created a photostream album and shared it with my wife. It shows on her 3GS. So now any new shot I add into that album will appear automatically on her phone. It just so simple. The 5 camera is awesome. The 5 looks awesome.
And then I think of my S3. Customisation, widgets, fm radio, snes game emulator (playing Super Mario World) , big screen, nfc, s beam, aptx Bluetooth stereo codex, smart stay, voice control without pressing any button first of camera, fm radio, music player, replaceable battery, standard micro USB so no need for more adapters bespoke to one product, expandable memory 64gb card only £42, settings galore, swiftkey and so on. And it has a decent maps and navigation software free. Sharing system wide with anything. And the list goes on. USB host etc
I want to keep both, but I can't as I need some money to support purchase. If I kept the S3 I would return my 5 and get £699 refunded, sell my old iPod Touch and buy the new iPod Touch. If I keep the 5 I need to sell the S3 ASAP .
Logic says keep the S3. Heart says keep the 5. Heart wins.
As Rui said, I am spending a lot of money. The 5 looks expensive and fits all my furniture design effortlessly.
I think the iPhone 5 is safe from any potential suit from Clarke or Kubrick.
As I recall, the "monolith's" dimensions were the ratio of the squares of the first 3 prime numbers which is 1 x 4 x 9. So the phone doesn't really match that ratio. Also, all three "monolith's" had no rounded corners, and considerable functional variations, the first was a vehicle/probe (with a pilot), the second was a transmitter, and the third a stargate (for want of a better lable).
David, watching people in an Apple stores touching the precious things is very reminiscent of the 'Dawn of Man' preface to 2001, as the primitive ape creatures gaze in awe and shock at the appearance of the Monolith. And I *think* you will find that the iPhone is both a probe and a transmitter, though I did overhear some Galaxy SIII owners sneerily denouncing the lack of stargate functionality.
Apple should just run this clip continuously as the ad for the iPhone 5. Nothing else is needed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y15NnGZIBuM
REVIEW UPDATE:
Having now spent a few hours with the iPhone 5, I can tell you an undocumented feature. The new EarPod headphones functional as highly efficient (in fact, almost magical) ear wax collectors. I never knew I was so waxy.